


left

by PlayerTwoHeere



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (between upgrade and halloween), Angst, Bullying, Flashbacks, Gen, Panic Attacks, essentially during intermission, i wasn’t intending on posting it actually, kinda not-canon, michael-centric for once, michael’s actually a loner, smol boys for like 5 paragraphs, this is old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 20:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerTwoHeere/pseuds/PlayerTwoHeere
Summary: Jeremy had taken that pill, had left Michael. The last words Jeremy ever said to him echoed in his brain. “Optic nerve blocking: On.” So hearing him having a panic attack in the boy’s bathroom during fifth period, when Jeremy seemed so much happier, when Jeremy had that damn supercomputer in his brain, wasn’t what Michael expected.





	left

Michael Mell traveled through school in a haze of music. His headphones seemed to have become a part of him now, even more than usual. The blasting of guitars and voices in his ears seemed to drown out the fact that he was now, actually, a loner. 

Jeremy was gone. He saw his ex-friend in the hallways sometimes, talking with his new friends. Happy. It hurt like hell, seeing him have fun without Michael. But he had made his choice, and Michael made his. He turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction, not caring if he was late to class. 

It went like this for weeks- Jeremy ignoring him, Michael avoiding contact, seemingly not caring what Jeremy said. Then, one day, Michael pushed open the bathroom door- the one no one else went in, unless they wanted to smoke. 

The first thing he heard when he slid off his headphones was someone’s shuddering breath. He rolled his eyes. Some guy was probably jacking off in the stall or something. It wouldn’t be the first time. He went to slide the headphones back on and leave, but then he heard a sob. An all too familiar sob.

~~

Michael was excited for kindergarten. He went outside with the rest of his class- he hadn’t exactly talked to any of them, but they seemed nice, and his teacher was fun. All in all, a pretty good day. Now it was recess, and Michael felt a bit sad. Everyone had paired off and was playing together, but he was alone. 

He looked around, and noticed a group of kids by the sandbox. They were talking and laughing, but then Michael heard a small cry, almost like a sob. Was one of them crying? He made his way over, peeking over the shorter kid’s heads to see a small boy in a too-big t-shirt, with large bright blue eyes filled with tears, curled in a ball. “Why are you crying, you crybaby? You want your mommy?” One of the bigger boys said, as the crying boy let out another sob. He didn’t say anything.

Michael felt angry. This kid was obviously upset, but these boys were just bullying him. “Leave him alone!” He found himself saying. The boys turned on him, but Michael stood his ground. “I said, leave him alone, or I’m gonna go get the teacher. And you’ll have to go inside and sit in the time out chair and they’ll call your mommy.” 

The boys wrinkled their noses, but they did leave, but not before shoving Michael over. Michael winced a little, getting up with scraped hands, going over to the crying boy. “Sorry about those meanies. I’m Michael.” The boy sobbed again, looking up at Michael. He seemed to take in Michael’s small grin, his scraped hands, his Transformers t-shirt. 

“J-Jeremy.” The boy stuttered out after a minute. He looked scared that Michael was going to do something, or make fun of him again. Michael only smiled at him, sitting across from the boy. 

“Well, Jeremy, when I’m sad, a hug always makes me feel better. Do you want a hug?” Michael said, holding out his arms. The other boy gave a shaky grin, wiping at his eyes. He nodded, and that was the first time Michael held Jeremy while he had a panic attack.

Years later, Jeremy was curled in Michael’s lap again, sobbing. They were ten, and Michael had opened his door to find Jeremy, holding a bag to his chest, his shoulders shaking with sobs. A red handprint was on his freckled cheek, and Michael grimaced in sympathy. Without question, Michael had pulled him inside. His mom had asked why he was here, but her voice died when she saw Jeremy. 

Soon Michael and Jeremy were in Michael’s room with the door closed, and Michael was trying to soothe his friend’s sobs. “It’s okay, Jer, you’re gonna be okay. Just breathe.” He said, calmingly. Jeremy clung tighter to him. Michael wasn’t sure why he was here, but he had a guess.

It was only confirmed when Jeremy finally choked out. “She’s g-gone, Micah.” Michael felt his heart break. Jeremy could only mean one thing by that- his mom had left them. Michael pulled Jeremy closer, rubbing his back soothingly. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Jer. I’m sure she’ll come back.”

~~

She didn’t come back, and it all went downhill. Jeremy struggled in school, and Michael found himself helping him through many more panic attacks. Jeremy always apologized, but Michael didn’t mind. He had to help his friend. High school rolled around, and the panic attacks became less frequent. But his sobs were so familiar to Michael, even after ages of hearing them. 

But Jeremy had taken that pill, had left Michael. The last words Jeremy ever said to him echoed in his brain. “Optic nerve blocking: On.” So hearing him having a panic attack in the boy’s bathroom during fifth period, when Jeremy seemed so much happier, when Jeremy had that damn supercomputer in his brain, wasn’t what Michael expected. 

Michael’s brain went into protective mode. Sure, his best friend had ditched him. He had been a dick. He deserved to be left in the bathroom stall with a panic attack. But Michael couldn’t just leave him. 

He dropped to his knees on the bathroom floor, sitting outside the stall. He wondered if Jeremy could still feel him if he had that optic nerve blocking thing on. He had researched it, asked around. He’d figured it out. Michael was a smart boy. 

Jeremy’s familiar converse were all Michael could see. They were beaten up and worn out, and Michael could still see the ink pen telling their price from the thrift store Jeremy picked them up on the soles. 

Jeremy was curled in a ball. Michael sighed. He had a tendency to do that when panicking, no matter how many times Michael told him that made it worse. He cleared his throat, hoping Jeremy could hear him. Maybe the thing was off? Jeremy just sobbed harder. 

No luck. Michael could feel tears coming to his own eyes. Goddamnit, why did Jeremiah Heere have to be his best friend? He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t be like Jeremy’s mom. So despite all his better judgement, he crawled under the bathroom stall.

Jeremy was sobbing into his arms, seemingly trying to take deep breaths. His new shirt- Eminem, which Jeremy didn’t even like- was rumpled. Michael felt his heart twinge. He didn’t know why the SQUIP wasn’t helping Jeremy through this- wasn’t that it’s job?- but he had to at least try. Even if Jeremy couldn’t see him.

Michael reached out, wrapping his arms around Jeremy. Jeremy’s breath caught, but that could have just been Michael’s imagination. “It’s okay, Jer, just breathe.” Michael muttered into his friend’s hair. Even if Jeremy couldn’t hear him, he had to do this. 

He didn’t even care about himself right then. He didn’t care that Jeremy had hurt him. He didn’t care that he’d been a dick. All he cared about was helping his best friend. Soon, Jeremy’s sobs slowed, and he wiped at his face. Michael extracted himself from him, looking at Jeremy. His heart fell when Jeremy just looked up and to the left of him, over Michael’s head. Michael supposed that was where the SQUIP was. Jeremy nodded, standing up. He opened the stall door, and Michael quickly pulled his feet out of the way before Jeremy could trip on them. 

He watched his best friend splash water in his face. Jeremy looked at himself in the mirror. For a second, in the mirror, their eyes locked. Then Jeremy’s eyes flashed bright blue, like a beacon of light, and they slid out of focus. He turned around, as if looking for Michael. “Micha-“ He started, but his voice stopped, as if choked by something. Michael winced. It sounded too close to Jeremy’s nickname for him. He couldn’t take it anymore, looking at his best friend, with his rumpled Eminem shirt and well-groomed hair and bright eyes. Michael slid the headphones back on, the familiar sound of Marley drowning out the thoughts of Jeremy and panic attacks and super computers. He would tell Jeremy later of what he had found out, he decided. No point in doing it here. 

He had plans to make, anyways. Namely, how to sneak into the biggest party of the fall. He had to warn Jeremy of what else he had found out. Until then, Jeremy could go back to ignoring Michael, like he obviously wanted to do. Michael cast one last glance at Jeremy over his shoulder before the bathroom door slammed shut. 

Little did he know that later that night, it would be him having the panic attack in a bathroom.

**Author's Note:**

> so as the tags say, this wasn’t going to be posted. not originally. but it’s the only fic i had completed, so here ya go. not my favourite. 
> 
> however, i’m posting to let all of you guys know that i doubt i’ll be posting all that much in the next few months, until the end of my school year. i got grounded (because i’m a procrastinating idiot oops) and won’t be able to write all that much. 
> 
> i may respond to comments when i have free time during school, but i’m not sure. anyways, please enjoy what writing i have here, and if you want more angst or Michael fics, go check out my friend PlayerOneMell, and our collab fic if you have the chance. 
> 
> thanks for reading, loves. <3


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